just tell him i said nine months
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
