My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
