Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
