Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
