i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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