Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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