I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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