life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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