omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
This house was built for laser tag.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
