Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Randomize
