I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
