just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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