No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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