bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
