I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
