Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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