I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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