I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
