I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
