I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Quick, to the slutcave!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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