I'm going to rape someone's good day.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Randomize
