Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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