can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
