so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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