Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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