So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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