If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
