At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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