I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
