my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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