I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
