She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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