after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
