I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
