i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
