Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
