if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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