It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
