When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
