WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
