My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
