So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
