Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
