i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
