just come out here and I will go home with you...
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
