that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
