Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
