I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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