I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
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