When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
